I am counting down days until court trying to soak in all the sweetness, all the expressions, sounds, the adorable curls on this baby as I prepare mentally that she might go home in 9 days. She was supposed to go home a couple of weeks ago and court was cancelled the evening before. More time. I am so glad we got more time even if it somewhat felt like we are delaying the inevitable.
I know in my heart this little one has a parent who can and very much wants to take care of her. I don't necessarily know exactly how that is going to happen, but in my heart I do feel like they are meant to be together. When we met the first time in that small room to go over the case Jeremy and I told them we were rootin' for them. We meant it then and we still mean it, but now our hearts are attached to this girl we have taken care of and since I have already sent her back once I know what to expect which almost makes it worse.
Foster care is so tricky. You treat them and love them like your own, but they are not your own. It sounds so strange, but it really is easy to forget as you go about your day. Then there is a visit and you remember.
We have shared meals with her parent. We have exchanged hugs and genuinely want him to succeed. We care for him and just like B's Dad, we now love this guy too. As much as I like him and want him to succeed in parenting...I am going to ache for that girl.
My kids have been great foster siblings. B did a project at school of a house and they gave out little smiley face circles for each family member. He had 6 and asked for another for her. When she is not at our house he tells me to go get her. He told me yesterday that he thinks she should stay with us. Pray that he will not be too confused about all of this.
Last week we picked up M from a visit and the girls noticed how sad her dad was driving away. I think that was a good thing because they want them to be together.
Jeremy and I joke and say we might die a little earlier and we both feel like M has aged us a bit. We only get one full night of sleep a week...when she is on her overnight. Last night we left a party early to take a quick pre-M coming back nap :). She has some pretty bad anxiety at night. Jeremy told me he thought he was done with babies, but when the call for her came I texted him (he was traveling) "5 month old girl". He texted back, "sure". This is why I love the man. And so every night we get up with this little one...sometimes every hour to give her a little reassurance that we are still here. I will miss that. So much. Last Friday our pediatrician told her Dad to let her cry it out. As soon as we walked out of the room I told him I don't let her cry it out and he doesn't need to either. Judge if you want, but this baby is so stinkin' confused. If she is scared at night we hold her. If she is hungry we feed her. If she is not sure how to get back to sleep we help her.
I know they say in foster care you never know for sure until the judge says it. I am 99% sure she will go home in October and probably in about 9 days. It sounds like we will still get to see her some. Oh, I am hoping!
When I sit and think about her start in life I get sad. I don't know what her story will be. I am so thankful I didn't cave to fear when we got her call. I was scared to do this again. It is scary to love and let go. I am clinging to the promises in God's Word. I am finding so much encouragement from the song, "He is With Us" by Love and Outcome.
Remember when your hope is lost and faith is shaken
Remember when you wonder if you're gonna make it
There's a hand stretched out through your deepest doubt
We can't pretend to see the ending or what's coming up ahead
To know the story of tomorrow
But we can stay close to the One who knows
We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always
{Love this part........I know there is purpose in all of this}
We believe there is purpose, there is meaning in everything
We surrender to His leading
He wants nothing more than to have us close
Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
We're not afraid
I plan on spending the next week full of joy and not dread!! I am so thankful I got to be this girls Foster Mom. I don't know what our role in her life will continue to be, but I know that there is meaning and purpose for her time in our home. We have been blessed by her. She is a treasure.
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