Today, we sat in a room with all involved in the baby's case and an unbiased court person to mediate. Today, Jeremy and I sat there and listened as all of B's birthdad's faults were put out there and discussed. Think about that. How would you want to sit in a room and have all of your faults exposed, discussed and judged. He owned them. He didn't sit and make excuses. He
owned them. I was so struck by that. Would I?? I felt embarrassed being there and wished I could leave.
We discussed the "plan". After that the mediator asked if there was a supplemental plan in place. I didn't know what this was so I asked and they said, "this is the plan that tells what will happen if he (birthdad) fails." Seriously, so wierd to be talking about the backup plan right in front of him in the event that he screws up. So, they asked birthdad what he would want to happen with B if he couldn't meet his plan. It was like we were all in a room writing a will. He said he would want us to have him. Can you imagine? How hard would that be to say if I screw up again or I just can't get it together these strangers can raise my child because there is NO ONE else to do it. I can't get over this. I know I should be able to get it after a year, but some of these children in care do not have anyone. If I couldn't parent one of my children there would be a lot of people who would do it for me (I hope!). There would be options. I can't imagine being him and not having anyone. Is it any wonder why he might be trying. Who doesn't want to love someone and be loved. This guy has noone. It is so sad.
There was more sadness that occurred that I won't go into, but it was just not a fun time. As we left the building (Jeremy, myself and birthdad) I felt so sad for him. I turned to him and said we are hoping things work out for him. He talked to us and kept saying this isn't how it was supposed to be. We had some good conversation. He is so comfortable with us now and really an open book. He sees us as trying to help him. I am glad. I said, "we love B. We want to help you. Please let us know if we can." I know.....right?! I'm crazy. I can't help it. If you were there and seen the sadness and tears in his eyes as his son is going home with us (who he thinks are his parents) you would have had nothing but compassion.
I know I have said some very negative things about this situation. It is a negative situation. There have been some very bad choices made. I have my opinions on whether or not he can parent, but this wasn't about that. This was just about a person who has messed up and wishes things were different. So hopeless.
Who am I but for grace not in the same situation. If I had been born into a different home my life could be completely different.
I had played the song "In Christ Alone" sung by Travis Cottrell over and over this morning as I had some nervous feelings about the meeting. It is so encouraging. It is so true. This person who goes up to people who I really didn't like three months ago and says kind words is not me. When we started the process to adopt three years ago we were NOT signing up to have birthparents in our life. We wanted to pick a country where the birthparents were pretty much completely out of the picture. I believe that we may have even said we don't want to spend the time and money raising someone elses child and they get to show up for the good stuff like birthday parties and soccer games. This saddens me now that I had those thoughts. Serioulsy, who do I think I am? God didn't put me here to do easy. He didn't put me here to have the most convenient situation possible.
He put us all here to love people. To show them Christ. I mess this up a lot with my big mouth. I prayed today that I would keep it shut unless it was saying postive words. I am thankful that I had self-control. So funny to me because I am alwasy talking to my kids about having self-control and I have to work on it too.
I often wonder why God is still patient with me. I am always trying to
help Him.
A work in progress. I'm getting it...slowly. He is teaching me, changing my heart and it is only because of Him. I am now telling people about foster care, "If I can do it, anybody can." I'm am so not cut out for this, but Christ is giving me strength. I get attached. I love freely. I am naive. All of these things just set me up for heartbreak that can come in foster care. I am only okay in doing this because I have hope in Christ.
In Christ Alone lyrics
Songwriters: Getty, Julian Keith; Townend, Stuart Richard;
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand
In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live, I live
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from his hand
Til he returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
I am so thankful that Jesus commands my destiny. I am so glad when I can't see the plan, when I can't make sense of it, I can trust that I have hope.
I am also super excited because birthdad is bringing me pictures of the day B was born. I can't wait!
